Around the corner. It really is a surprise.

The old saying “You don’t know what’s around the corner” is so incredibly true.
Each day is a new day, and a surprise at that. We think we can predict things, we think we know what’s going to happen next, and sometimes that may be the case, however more often then not, we don’t know. We can’t predict and we don’t know what to expect.

I’ve had a few things prove this as of late.
I thought i had finally gotten into a routine, had begun getting my life on track, and had worked out the immediate future – as much as i could of course, because like i said, you never know what to expect, you just have to be prepared for anything i guess

I had completed my first semester at uni, and had gotten through about half of second semester until things took a turn.. for the worst. I walked around a new corner, and i didn’t like what i was faced with. Over the holidays between semesters at uni i had injured my hand, no big deal.. I thought. Turns out i was wrong. Close to four months later, and what i thought was ‘no big deal’ has now changed everything. Ok, everything might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it has seriously screwed  everything up. I’m not going to go into massive details because it will just make me angry, but long story short, because of the lack of ability to get a diagnosis, from supposed health care professionals, and specialists nonetheless, i have had to defer my university course until at least second semester next year. I AM NOT HAPPY. This is basically a forced gap year, where i can literally do nothing. I can’t even work. Not to mention, that I’ve been in constant pain for the past close to four months. IM WELL AND TRULY OVER IT.. and i mean one hand to do 99% of daily tasks is such a challenge – not to mention a complete pain in the ass.

I have had numerous tests and scans, and there is only more things to come. I mean X rays, CT, blood tests, MRI and seeing the entire plastics population of specialists and i still don’t have a diagnosis or even an answer, i’m not sure what more of the same thing are going to do, apart from be unpleasant. The fact that as time has gone on things have only gotten worse, is also really not helpful. I don’t even want a diagnosis anymore, i want this constant, horrible pain to be gone, and i want to be able to get back to my course so that i can get on with my life! not be stuck, waiting, with little knowledge of when i can expect things to change, improve and get better.
Deferring my uni course also means that i have moved back home, and as much as that is a good; since I’ve missed being home, i feel like i am only taking steps back, and am no longer moving forward. This definitely feels like a major delay in the works; so to speak.
This is definitely something i wasn’t prepared for, and something that has really had an impact on the coming years of my life.
Somethings are out of your control, and this is definitely one of them. It’s taken me a while to actually deal with it, but clearly life was telling me to take a break. Telling me to take a step back, focus on my health and then come back to everything at a time when i am better equipped. Although with my luck, i’m pretty sure i’ll be waiting a while.
i mean, in all honesty, I’ve had shit luck ever since i moved to Ballarat. including a number of hospitalisations, and now this. Not to mention a number of other things. Maybe life was seriously trying to tell me to take a break, to re gather myself, and get in a better place. Maybe it’s a good thing that the decision got taken out of my hands. I’m not quite okay with it yet, but i think once i accept it, this time off will be exactly what i needed. I think its just a matter of being able to accept it.

Greys anatomy always understands.

Now that i’ve been forced to take a break, and can’t even work at this stage, i’m left a little bored and not feeling too great about myself. It’s a little disheartening when you put all your effort and energy into trying to achieve something, yet for every step you take something hits your in the face and throws you 10 steps back. It’s frustrating, and i’m feeling a little bit defeated. It’s not just this injury, i mean that’s the pressing issue of course. But imagine diabetes in the mix as well. Which now leads me to talk about the beast.
Diabetes doesn’t like anything at the best of times, it’s like a teenager, the slightest thing will set it off, and god, if you dare introduce change, or anything it doesn’t like.. be prepared for an absolute shit storm. Which is where i’m at. I tam also feeling slightly defeated by this. In the past few months i feel like i have been leaping bounds with getting my control good, and hitting targets and working with a fabulous health care professional to actually achieve something. I was for the first time hopeful. However that was soon crushed. I guess constant pain, the extra stress, and simply just feeling shit is just too much for diabetes. I mean, way to kick a person when they are down, way to go diabetes! It really is just so frustrating when you put all your effort into everything, try so god damn hard, yet it isn’t good enough. You tend to loose the motivation to continue, because why would you when you get no results?
It’s so incredibly frustrating when you are so often hit in the face when are you are trying to do it achieve something, which now seems so far out of your reach, i really don’t even know whether to bother or not. Because, really, if i am unable to, that will be the biggest disappointment yet. and I’m not so sure i can handle that

  This picture sums up my feelings quite well actually.

As hard as it is to accept the way things have turned out, clearly, more then one thing was telling me that i needed a break. And clearly i needed it so much that the choice was taken out of my hands. I can only hope that this break allows things to settle, and i am able to return to complete my course, however, there are many more corners to face and the unknown is infinite. But, the only thing to do in the darkness, is to find a way to glow.